Christmas Day 2012- 20+4 weeks

Love you Tic Tac!!!

Merry Christmas Eve everyone :-)

I can't believe that this time next year, we'll have our little boy with us. He'll have no idea what's going on but he'll probably be getting close to crawling and he'll definitely be showing us his personality. There'll be Santa photos and he'll be the most spoilt little boy ever.

The boss is actually making us work Christmas eve but I'm really hoping that a lot of children stay home and it's really quiet. I'm even going to convince the supervisor to let everyone have an hour early mark. She's a bit of a stickler for the rules but seriously it's Christmas eve and the staff aren't all needed for ratio so why be a meany and make them stay until the end of their shift?? They work hard and deserve a little break.

I think Josh is certainly getting more excited about bubby as my belly grows because he's rubbing my stomach a lot more and was even trying to listen to Tic Tac by putting his ear to my tummy. All I want for Christmas is for Tic Tac to give his Daddy one big kick that he can feel from the outside. I think that the silly placenta is going to get in the way of that though. Oh well next Christmas, we will be holding Tic Tac on the outside and fingers crossed I might even be holding another bub on the inside. I'm loving pregnancy and can't wait to do it again :-)

It's a boy!!!

I was actually hoping that Tic Tac was a girl but now that I know that Tic Tac is our little boy, I wouldn't change him for anything. He is growing perfectly and is even a couple of days a head of schedule. I wish the time would go a bit faster because I'm dying to meet him.

When we went for the ultrasound, my bladder was so full that I was actually in pain. I thought I was going to cry because it hurt so much. Mum came with us and I don't think she realised the gravity of the situation because she kept saying things to make me laugh.

Thankfully before the scan started, the ultrasound tech let me empty some of it out. DH couldn't understand how I could just let some out without letting all of it out but when I actually went to go, I think because I'd been holding it for so long, it was only dribbling out anyway LOL.

Anyway here is a photo of our handsome boy. It almost looks as though he's giving us the finger! LOL cheeky boy!

Love you gorgeous boy :-)

A letter to Tic Tac...

Dear Tic Tac,

Today you are 19 weeks old and Mummy, Daddy and Grandma are going to see you at an ultrasould. We're really hoping to find out if you're a boy a girl today. Although
I have been so excited about finding out whether you're a boy or a girl, I'll be very happy so long as you're happy and healthy.

I haven't even met you yet but it's amazing how much I already love you and can't wait to meet you. I love seeing you making my belly grow and I find myself unconsciously rubbing belly all day long.

Maybe one day when you hit your teen age years and we become the over bearing parents who "never let you do anything" just remember how much we love you and do everything for your best interest.

All our love forever and ever,

Mummy and Daddy xoxox

Bump photos :-)

Thought I would add some more bump photos. I'm trying to keep it as up to date as possible so that I can look back on it and share it with my belly baby one day. Can't wait to meet you belly babe!!!

16 weeks

17 weeks

2 more weeks until we find out if we're expecting a little prince or a little princess. These next 2 weeks are going to go so slow. I bet we'll get the day and bubby will be modest and not show us LOL. 



A busy couple of weeks

Well Tic Tac has not yet been born yet but he/she has already crashed 2 weddings. He/she is gonna come out partying. My brother's wedding was last weekend and thankfully everything went well for them. This weekend, we went to a wedding in Hunter Valley for a uni friend of mine. Unfortunately it rained so they had to move their garden ceremony into the chapel but it was still really beautiful. I wish I could relive our wedding day. Weddings are so beautiful and romantic <3

I was hopping around doing the nut bush dance at the wedding and I started getting pains towards the end of the night. Josh was in no condition to come to the hospital with me as he was suffering from the 'too many beers' syndrome and I was terrified something was wrong.

We got back to the hotel room and I went to the toilet. I think the pains were gas pains *insert embarrassed face here* because I felt fine after my toilet visit. We got home this afternoon and I checked Tic Tac with the fetal Doppler and he/she's little heart was beating like a drum so I definitely felt reassured.

Anyway we're getting to that time of the year when the busy weekends don't end so as much as I love Christmas time, I can't wait for it to be over. Next Christmas is going to be so exciting because it will be Tic Tac's first Christmas. Can't wait to hold my precious bub in my arms. Bring on next May!!!

A message from above?

We were having lunch with my father in law today and we started talking about when we could find out Tic Tac's sex. My father in law immediately said "I already know. It's a boy." I asked him how he knew and he said that he had gone to dinner with my mother in law's friend and she immediately asked him "Is Amanda pregnant?" When he replied "Yes. Why?" She said "Because Louise came to me in a dream and told me that her grandson is on the way."

DH is sceptical but I truly believe in an after life. I can't say it's heaven but I believe there is something after this. I think that my mother in law is watching over us and actually knew about our precious Tic Tac before we did. I am now dying to know if the dream was right and there's a little boy in there.

Can't wait to find out!!!

Baby bump :-p

Just thought I would add a few bump pics so that I can keep track. The first one was taken the day after I found out and the second one was taken at 10 weeks. I'm now 12 weeks and I think it's a little bigger but to everyone else, it probably just looks like I'm getting fatter LOL.

12 week scan :-)

I finally think this is actually happening!!! I was so excited to see bubba today. He or she isn't much of an exhibitionist though. When the scan started bub was sound asleep and in the wrong position. I had to jiggle around to get he/she to wake up and then bub rolled in the wrong direction! Cheeky little Tic Tac!

There is actually a baby growing inside me :-)

10 weeks...

I'm starting to relax a little more now as I heard that the rate of successful pregnancies from 10 weeks is 95% I know that I'm always thinking of the worst but I've waited so long for this that I worry so much that something is going to rip it away from me.

Last weekend we went to put flowers on my MIL's grave. I still really wish that she was here both for DH and me. She would have been so excited about this and I know how much she wanted to meet her grand kids. At one point when she was in hospital, they told her that she would have to be admitted into a nursing home (before everything went from bad to worse) and that devastated her because she would never get to baby sit our children.

Our NT scan is in 2 weeks and I just can't wait to see Tic Tac again. I asked for the early shift at work for that day well before the roster was written but I wasn't rostered on the early shift so I had to ask my boss to swap it. She must have complained about it to her boss because at the staff meeting, the director said that I must do the middle shift and that I should just feel lucky if I get an early shift at all. I said that I was fine with that but if I have an appointment then I will need the early shift. I refused to budge. I hate when you do everything right and still get in trouble for it :-/

Not really showing at all yet and all my clothes still fit. Can't wait to get a belly :-)

Stress over lacking symptom :-/

I woke up this morning and my bbs didn't hurt any more. I know symptoms come and go and I shouldn't stress myself over it but I can't help myself. I haven't had any bleeding at all so that should be all I need for reassurance.

I'm not sure what I would even do if I started to bleed. I thought that I would go to emergency but I'm worried I would sit there for hours before even getting to see a doctor. Maybe I should go straight to Dr G and see if he can squeeze me in or I could go to the medical centre and hopefully get a scan quicker through them?

I really need to stop stressing myself. Only a few weeks until my 12 week scan so I just need to relax.

Starting to feel pregnant :-)

Although I still haven't experienced any morning sickness, my back ached something severe today and I've been feeling generally seedy. I can't wait to meet this baby.

Trying to talk DH into finding out the sex when we can. The jury is still out though. I don't think he's keen to find out though. I think he wants the surprise. I want a girl but I wouldn't be at all disappointed if my beany baby in there is a boy.

DH and I went for the first scan yesterday and Dr G let us listen to the heart beat. I could've laid there with my legs propped up all afternoon listening to it and staring at the screen.

Dr G said that Tic Tac is measuring perfectly and went through the formalities for the next 7 months. I just wish I could make the next 5 weeks fly by so I can see Tic Tac  again.

Scan on Monday!!!

On Monday we will finally get to see our little Tic Tac. I really hope he or she is OK in there as I'm still yet to experience any morning sickness...

The emotions range from super excited to absolutely terrified that something is wrong. Josh is coming with me and I'm thankful for that as I will definitely need him if things go wrong. I won't believe this is really happening until I see our little Tic Tac  on the screen.

Just a quick update

Well I think the morning sickness yesterday was actually a gastro bug that is going around work. I got to work and 4 of the children that I work with were at home sick with gastro and also a fellow staff member. I told the boss that I had been vomitting and a little diaohrea but that I wasn't sure if it was the bug or morning sickness and left it to her to decide what to do. She decided that she didn't want to risk me spreading it further and sent me home.

I went to the GP for a doctors certificate and he said that because I hadn't experienced any morning sickness prior to yesterday, he was putting his money on it being the gastro bug as morning sickness doesn't usually hit so suddenly. He did say that even if it was just morning sickness, it was definitely safer for me not to come in contact with the gastro bug as it could cause miscarriage if it gets bad. No morning sickness this morning so I think the doc was right.

I did another digi test this morning and it came up 3+ which definitely makes me happy as last Saturday it only said 1-2 so levels are obviously going up :-)

Morning sickness is here

Well I was up 3 times last night spewing so I'm feeling pregnant now. I'm just worried that it may not be ms as a child at work was sick yesterday and one of the girls called in sick today with the vomits.

Still feeling seedy but I think I'm done spewing for now. It's all worth it for my precious little tic tac though. I would go through a lot worse for my tic tac. Only 9 more days until Daddy and I get to see you little tic tac. Can't wait!

11 days until I get to see my little bean!!!

First off I'm going to congratulate a friend of mine who is having her little girl today. She's had a rough pregnancy so it's good to know that she'll finally get to hold her baby in her arms tonight.

I'm not experiencing any morning sickness yet and apart from the sore bbs and increased appetite, I feel pretty normal. I'm almost wishing for some morning sickness so that I can feel pregnant and I'm just dying for my bump to grow.

My first scan is in 11 days and I'm desperately hoping to see a heart beat. The days seem to be slipping by so slowly in the lead up to this scan and my Mum is dying to tell everyone but I just want to get through the scan first.

If something goes wrong it will get that much harder if everybody knows...

Told the family :-)

We thought that Fathers Day would be the perfect opportunity to share our news but my Dad was working on Father's Day so we invited Dh's Dad and my parents up for dinner last night and I wrote in their Father's Day cards "Love from Josh, Amanda and Baby Medley." I think we really surprised them.

We were so worried about how DH's Dad would react because we lost DH's Mum in May this year and he tends to get upset when he wishes that she were here to experience things with us. I know this has been hard on DH as well because he would love to tell his Mum and I know she would have been ecstactic. He got a little teary at one point but hid it well and seems excited about having a grand baby.

Tic Tac is due almost a year to the day since DH's Mum passed away. I think she has sent us this baby to bring us joy instead of pain upon the anniversary of her passing. I had a dream not long after she passed away and in the dream, she said to me "Don't worry your baby is coming soon." It felt so real and I'm sure it was a message from her. I know that wherever she is now, she knows about our little Tic Tac and is happy.

BFP at 10DPO!!!!

Yesterday I just couldn't resist POAS and much to my amazement, 2 lines came up!!! I had my blood test today and although the receptionist said it is very early, I am definitely preg :-)

I had gotten to the point where I was doubting that it would ever happen so I couldn't be more ecstatic. DH is also over the moon. I'm going to surprise him with a father's day present.

9DPO and just dying to POAS

Well I only made it to 8DPO before I POAS and of course it was BFN. I know that it's probably too early. I was so excited this afternoon because I'm feeling seedy and my bbs are hurting more today.

I'm trying to hold out until Tuesday before I POAS again but I'm so tempted to test again tomorrow. I really need to build up some will power.

Another 2WW- 4DPO

Well I ended up Oing on CD18. I'm feeling pretty confident this month. We tried to BD on O day but as hard as DH tried, he just could not finish the job. The poor man felt so frustrated.

My bbs are hurting more this month and I've been feeling pretty seedy but that may have been due to a bug that was going around work. I'll probably read this in a week and cry because I'm wrong again.

The thing is though that I never feel confident...

On another note, I'm finally getting my teeth fixed YAY!!!!

Stubborn ovaries!!

Well Dr G thought I was going to O on the weekend but still waiting on CD15. I think poor DH is going to start running away from me soon. I think he's had enough BD for a month. I really don't want to stop until I've O'd though.

I think to think of something to get him keen tonight...

CD13 and O is imminent

Well I had a blood test on Friday and as the results showed that O was imminent, the doc thought I would O on Saturday (yesterday). So the doc sent me for another blood test yesterday to confirm but I really don't think I have O'd yet due to my temps so I am hoping for another blood test tomorrow.

Going to DH's niece's christening today. We went to buy her a present yesterday and DH wanted to get her an outfit. There are some really pretty little girl dresses out this season and just looking at the clothes made me a little emotional as I desperately want to be buying things like that for our baby. Hopefully in a couple of week I'll be able to start looking at those things for our baby.

CD3 and back on the clomid

Well the wicked b@tch eventually showed up as I expected she would and now we're on to a brand new cycle. I think I'm going to pull the plug on clomid after this cycle. I don't know what Dr G will want me to do if it is a BFN but I don't think I can handle another cycle of clomid after this one.

Dr G wants to jump straight to IVF if I don't get UTD with clomid but I've decided I'm not willing to do that until I have all the facts about IUI (cost, process, success rates). I'm sure as hell not going to be pressured into IVF without serious consideration of the facts.

He seems to be a great doctor other than his trigger happy compulsion to jump to IVF. Lots of girls I've talked to have said that the injections are relatively cheap and the costs are no where near as high as IVF so I really can't understand why he wants to bypass that option so quickly.

I'm planning on starting another form of treatment until I have shed a few more kgs anyway. I don't want the thought that maybe if I had been skinnier, I wouldn't have wasted my time and money hanging over me.

Almost a year ago now I got a reading from a psychic who predicted April as my conception month. At the time I baulked at the thought of waiting that long. Well she was wrong and I'm still waiting and the thought of another year passing and still being stuck in an endless wait makes my stomach churn.

You think in your head "I can't live through another year of this" but somehow the world keeps turning, the days/months/years keep passing and all you can do is keep going, keep trying and keep hoping. The thought also stays with you that this wait may never end for us.

A few of my family members know what we're going through and they're forever saying "Don't worry. It will happen" and I'm at the point where I want to say in response "You know the truth is that maybe it won't happen for us ever." I don't want them to think that I've given up or lost hope but it's something that I have to face because it is a real possibility. If I speak those thoughts though, everyone would just think that I was fishing for sympathy.

I know that one day I will be a mum because DNA means nothing to me. Although I would love to have a baby with my blue eyes and my gorgeous DH's cheeky dimple, I would also love an adopted child just as much. How could a child possibly be less special if you have to wait months or even years before you meet them and you have to travel to the other side of the world before you can even hold them?? This thought brings me great comfort.

Sorry for anyone who has had to suffer through my rambling this afternoon but it was a good avenue for venting.

Well I think Dr G was wrong

According to Dr G, I would be 16DPO today but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I think I'm probably only 10 or 11DPO and my temp dipped a little this morning so I think I'm about to start the downward slope towards AF.

On the positive side, I believe that although I O'd later than expected that it was a good ovulation so next cycle, I'm going to ask for a trigger shot. If he won't give it to me then I'll insist upon a day 21 test and just keep the BD up until I am extremely confident that O has well and truly happened.

Yesterday was a pretty crap day at work. My boss gave me a combing down because there has been a few more accident reports coming from the preschool room than normal because we had a new child start who was initially quite aggressive but has improved. She said to me "Everybody has personal issues at home but while you're here, you need to be completely switched on because this is work and you're on my time." I think she should have spent the day with this child when he first started and then tell me that. I don't believe my personal issues get in the way of my work. It was very disheartening and really got me down.

Today I'm going to my best friend's baby shower. As my mood is already a bit on the down side, this is not going to be easy but I have to paste a smile on my face and be really excited for her. I hate that I'm not really excited about this baby because after all, she is married to my brother and this is going to be my nephew. I think I'll come home tonight and have a little cry.

Another pregnant cousin again :-(

My 23 year old cousin recently announced her engagement to her 47 year old boy friend. Now she has announced her pregnancy and I am completely over it. He is gonna be in a retirement village by the time the kid gets married. I would make a much better mother.

I think I have ovulated now but much later than the doc was expecting and we've completely missed it. Why can't things just be simple for us??

Another failed cycle :'(

Well I believe this is going to be another failed cycle. My temp is not spiking to indicate that I have O'd which it should have by now. I think there may be a possibility that I'm Oing later than the doctor thought as my body is stubborn and in that case, we have little to no chance of getting UTD as DH retired from BD as soon as we had finished the required amount of days as per doctor's orders.

Next cycle I am definitely demanding a day 21 blood test to confirm O because I'm starting to get very impatient again.

The Dreaded 2WW...

Well here I am in only my second 2WW of this year and it is July! Hopefully we'll be able to keep this ovulating going and surely we'll get UTD soon. I'm already trying to spot symptoms that don't exist. My bbs don't hurt at all and I'm not cramping or anything. I usually get PMS around 7DPO so that will be a big indicator I think.

I'm just trying to think of a list of activities to keep me busy for the next 10 days:
1. Read '50 Shades of Grey' as I must know what all the hype is about.
2. Read the other two books from the series if I enjoy the first book.
3. Organise my study (It looks like a bomb went off in there.)
4. Organise a baby shower present for my bestie. If AF is planning on visiting, she'll be here in time for the baby shower so that should be a ball of fun.
5. Get back into my exercise routine- not anything really active just in case there is a bubs in there.
6. Clean up the spare bedroom- It too has become a storage room.
7. Get the vacuum cleaner repaired (If we can ever find the warranty papers for it).
8. Organise a healthy eating program.

Hopefully I can come up with some more stuff because that stuff won't keep me busy for another 10 days.

On another topic, the neighbours wife has left him and over the last few days she's been moving out and I find it hard to believe that there's anything left in the house. I said to DH "This is why you need to be nice to your wife or she'll leave you and take all of your shit."

Ovulation Day :-)

I went for another scan last night and the doc said that I had a 20mm follicle and that I should ovulate in the early hours of the morning, which is really exciting as that makes two ovulations in two months. I've had a terrible cough and migraines this week so I wasn't overly keen last night but we got the job done. We'll get busy again tonight but I think tonight is probably too late as I felt quite intense O pains early this morning. Hopefully my eggs live for 24 hours.

If this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, then the silver lining is that I'm finally ovulating regularly.

Another pregnant cousin :-(

Well my cousin has just announced that she is pregnant with her 4th child. I know she's been trying for a long time and had a couple of miscarriages so I shouldn't feel bad about it but I look at her other children and she can barely afford to clothe them, feed them and control them. They all look like nobody owns them :-( I'm sorry that I sound a bit bitter. I think everyone should have as many babies as they want but you should be able to care for them properly if you have them.

Just feeling very blahhhhh about it. I had to smile and say "That's great!" when Mum told me. I think she could see that I was being fake with my enthusiasm. I just hope to god that I'm at least pregnant by the time this baby arrives or I may go completely insane.

The Pressures of Life...

DH has just started a new job which requires him to travel an hour to get to get to work and he starts work at 6am so the alarm goes off at 4am every morning. I'm beginning to get used to sleeping through this early morning wake up but I'm worried about how it will affect our baby making efforts.

He is working up to 9-10 hours a day and with the travel on top of that, it equates to a 12 hour day. He's been coming home exhausted and very grumpy at times and definitely not in the mood for any between the sheets shenanigans.

I'm currently CD8 and usually O fairly late in the cycle (CD19-20) so he's got a little bit of time to grow accustomed to his new routine but I can already see it causing a few disputes between us around O time when I start to stress about "getting the job done."

I miss the old days when we used to do it just for fun. These days it has become a chore. I think we've done it maybe twice since last O time and it's been almost 2 weeks of nothing but DH is showing absolutely zero interest in BD for pleasure or purpose. Definitely not feeling very wanted at the moment.

At least I can be thankful that this is a fully monitored cycle so I'll know exactly what's happening throughout the cycle and that may take some of that O time stress away.

Baby bumps every where!!

It seems wherever I turn there is a baby bump staring me in the face. Working in child care makes that very hard to avoid. Although I know that these women may or may not have been trying for a long time, I can't help but feel envious.

I torture myself by looking at pictures of my 16 year old cousin's baby on facebook. Believe me facebook is a mind field of baby photos and baby bumps. Not all of the photos are bad though. I've made some good on line buddies since my journey started and I'm happy to see their baby bumps growing.

I was supposed to have my first follie scan today for this cycle today but my doctor was sick so now I'm having it done on Friday instead. I was so looking forward to it because I'm finally going to be able to know what's going on all of the time. Oh well only a few more days....

Instructions for making a baby

I made a silly decision to tell a few family members and friends that we were TTC so I had every body trying to give me suggestions on how to make it happen. I have compiled a list of suggestions and who made them. This should at least hand you a bit of a laugh.

1. Stand on your head after sex- My father in law.
2. You do know that you have to have intercourse in order to make a baby?- DH's uncle who didn't know we were trying.
3. Just relax and try to forget about it- work mate.
4. Go on a holiday- Another work mate.
5. Make sure you have lots of sex around ovulation time- My mum!!!
6. Make sure you are doing it in the missionary position to avoid his stuff coming out- My friend.
7. Make sure you shove a pillow under your bum after sex- An aunt.

I might add to this list as time goes on. It's so funny hearing everyone's input on our sex life. A lot of conversations revolve around my ovaries and how often we have sex!!

My journey so far....

I am 27 years old and currently trying to conceive my first child. I've created this blog more for myself than in the hopes that anyone else would read it as I will be able to vent on here when it all gets too much for me to deal with.

I have been with my husband for 9 years and he is my rock. My life would not be complete without him. We have been TTC for 18 months and during that time, I have been diagnosed with PCOS and have done 6 unsuccessful rounds of clomid with only 2 ovulatory cycles. I have had a lap & dye and some ovarian drilling and now I seem to be ovulating again but still no baby.

There have been times when I have seen everyone around me getting pregnant and nearly given up hope of ever becoming a mother. I know 18 months isn't a long time compared to the struggles of some women but this past 18 months has felt like a life time to me.

This year my husband has lost his Mum and his Nan so it has been a really difficult year for us. I have just started what will be my last cycle on clomid and if I don't have any success then we will be looking down the barrel of IVF.

Wish me luck everyone....