Well the wicked b@tch eventually showed up as I expected she would and now we're on to a brand new cycle. I think I'm going to pull the plug on clomid after this cycle. I don't know what Dr G will want me to do if it is a BFN but I don't think I can handle another cycle of clomid after this one.
Dr G wants to jump straight to IVF if I don't get UTD with clomid but I've decided I'm not willing to do that until I have all the facts about IUI (cost, process, success rates). I'm sure as hell not going to be pressured into IVF without serious consideration of the facts.
He seems to be a great doctor other than his trigger happy compulsion to jump to IVF. Lots of girls I've talked to have said that the injections are relatively cheap and the costs are no where near as high as IVF so I really can't understand why he wants to bypass that option so quickly.
I'm planning on starting another form of treatment until I have shed a few more kgs anyway. I don't want the thought that maybe if I had been skinnier, I wouldn't have wasted my time and money hanging over me.
Almost a year ago now I got a reading from a psychic who predicted April as my conception month. At the time I baulked at the thought of waiting that long. Well she was wrong and I'm still waiting and the thought of another year passing and still being stuck in an endless wait makes my stomach churn.
You think in your head "I can't live through another year of this" but somehow the world keeps turning, the days/months/years keep passing and all you can do is keep going, keep trying and keep hoping. The thought also stays with you that this wait may never end for us.
A few of my family members know what we're going through and they're forever saying "Don't worry. It will happen" and I'm at the point where I want to say in response "You know the truth is that maybe it won't happen for us ever." I don't want them to think that I've given up or lost hope but it's something that I have to face because it is a real possibility. If I speak those thoughts though, everyone would just think that I was fishing for sympathy.
I know that one day I will be a mum because DNA means nothing to me. Although I would love to have a baby with my blue eyes and my gorgeous DH's cheeky dimple, I would also love an adopted child just as much. How could a child possibly be less special if you have to wait months or even years before you meet them and you have to travel to the other side of the world before you can even hold them?? This thought brings me great comfort.
Sorry for anyone who has had to suffer through my rambling this afternoon but it was a good avenue for venting.
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